"...and I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had." -Roland Orzabal; Tears for Fears I am not a person who gives in easily to depression, not as an outward manifestation at any rate. I think almost everyone can relate to the ease with which one can take that downward spiral though, the one where the negative thoughts seem to come so easily. Where it's easy to trip over that one thing, the thing that starts the spiral. One popular or should I say trending word that comes to mind is the word "trigger." I'm not talking about that though, this is not something small that brings up some old memory of a specific trauma or tragedy. What I'm talking about is how all week, maybe all month, there are little things you pushed down or didn't let bother you. They were likely things you know are life's inevitabilities so you let them go knowing you can't change them and knowing that getting your knickers in a twist about them would be nothing more than a waste of time and energy. I can't speak to the habits of others but for me, these things, not triggers, are only given a second thought long enough to allow myself to feel what needs to be felt and then move on. I have been saying for long enough to annoy most of the people I know that one cannot "let it go" unless they pick it up first. For me, picking it up is allowing it to have its time in my thoughts but not to let it take them over. I am a realist and that has helped a lot in my life, it wasn't difficult to become so, my life has been real, for lack of a better word. Despite, or perhaps because of, the peace and love spewing habits of some of the people I know and the swirling vortex of depression, self loathing and shame still others wallow in, I have always had an easy enough time finding a road somewhere in the middle. It seems we are living more and more in a society of extremes and that doesn't help. I am neither optimistic or pessimistic, I don't see a glass half empty or a glass half full, I figure the glass is just too big. My practical approach has resulted in people often seeking my counsel, it's also come in handy doing mediation. However, anyone can have a bad day now and again. Once I had an off day and posted a comment on the internet on my main page. Along with all my positive comments and supportive statements there was this one, only one, that I posted that day, about losing faith in humanity. I guess I thought that posting it might initiate a positive comment back, something like, "hang in there, there are good people out there." I suppose by posting a remark about losing faith in humanity I was opening the door for that faith to be restored, but it was the internet, instead I got a troll berating me and only validating how much people, in general, suck. Extremism towards handling emotions is why the "self-help" industry is a billions of dollars a year industry. People are so confused about how to deal with their own feelings folks calling themselves "soul workers" and "mentors" line their pockets regurgitating things like Buddhist ideals or reinterpreted "new" age concepts. Just toss in key words like "soul" or "intuition." You can call yourself a "soul relationship facilitator" or "intuition mentor" or a "Mental Health Advocate" and offer such services as "soul retrieval" or "name therapy" or any number of things to line your pockets with money from folks who seem to miss the point entirely, that the word "self" is in "self-help." Often these days you can tell from looking at the social media pages these "experts" provide that they are the last people qualified to help anyone with suicidal thoughts or mental health issues. I have said for decades that it's time to put the self back into self help. I have said that long enough that I have watched my predictions come to pass, particularly the prediction about people becoming dependent upon others to tell them how, when and what to feel. They say every year that suicide rates are going up, especially the rates among teens. I don't understand suicide, I do understand suicidal thoughts. I understand depression. I also understand the hypocrisy of a culture that creates a toxic environment and then wonders why it is sick, I don't agree with it but that doesn't make it untrue. For too many, that in itself is a revolutionary idea, perhaps a good first step to thinking in a new way, just because you don't like something, doesn't mean it isn't true or should be cancelled. Just because you're having a bad day, month, year or years, doesn't mean you should cancel yourself. There is more to be gained in fighting the fight than in giving up, and if you give up or choose a stagnant pattern, you never get to discover what you are capable of. "Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?" -Albert Camus This isn't meant to be a novel however, I do have a point. Lately, I have actually entertained the thought that death will be a sweet release. I am not suicidal, in fact, were you to ask anyone who knows me they would tell you that I am one person who really knows how to enjoy life. I can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile, Mary Tyler Moore style. It is valid though to point these things out. To point out that people are getting worse, society is failing and we're all doomed. We aren't doomed because of anything outside of ourselves either, corrupt government, big pharma, whatever excuse of the day one can come up with is irrelevant, it is our responses to these things that shape the world, and people aren't responding well.
So when I say that the best day of my life will likely be the last one, it isn't because I'm depressed, it isn't because I'm suicidal and it isn't because I need to "dig deeper" or I just, "don't get it." It's because I'm a realist. It would take people on a global level waking up, a thing loads of folks have claimed to have already done though their actions and words betray them. Loads of folks claim they are "awake" and try to sell you their method of awakening knowing full well one person's path to enlightenment is not the same as anothers. Of course they also know full well there are people desperate enough to buy. The economy is so bad that college educated people, folks with degrees, have had to resort to menial jobs they're overqualified for. Older folks can't afford to retire so any jobs that would have opened up when they retired are just not there. Middle aged people, folks old enough to have a work ethic, are stuck being baristas and grocery store clerks because they actually show up and can handle working an entire shift without getting distracted by their phones. All the while, people ignore what the real issues are in favor of assigning blame and focusing on problems and who to cancel next rather than solutions. The big picture is depressing, I don't care how many rainbows you can fart in an hour. So is it wrong to wait for death with bated breath? Is it wrong to wait for it without fear? Is it so bad to hope that reincarnation is a bogus theory? Seriously, when I go, I don't want to come back, I'm done. Really, really done... "Sometimes I think that the best day of my life will be the day it's over." -Hanna Maxwell
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death is terribly lonesome, as our existence is immaterial. the hell of that fear is made known in the depths of a nightmare, and probably many other conditions, presented to our self, or our collectivity as all life. this feeling can be made known through a means which i struggle to grasp, and need help - [email protected].
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November 2023
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